Funny Dating Jokes and Date Humor
May 8th, 2007 by eureka-jetaime(Some of these dating jokes have a mature theme. The rest are pretty immature.)
A First Date
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should ave mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. "Why aren’t we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
The Blind Date
Brad had a blind date with Ashley for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That’s something I have never done before," Ashley replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Brad was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I’ve never objected!"
The Generation Gap
It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?," he says.
"That’s cool" says Bobby.
Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds "why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plans for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
" DANGIT DADDY….! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!"
Grandmother’s Dating Advice
There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
"Grandmother, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I showed him who was boss! I disgraced his family! Three times!"
Three Tickets
The boyfriend said, "We’re going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I’ve gotten three tickets for the big game."
"Why do we need three ?" asked the girl.
"They’re for your Father, Mother, and kid sister." he replied with a sheepish grin.
Top Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter- and Living.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
